By Cary Spector
Aries: Your quest to recieve positive karma by being extra helpful to your friends will finally pay off! You are going to die surrounded by people instead of choking to death alone in your house! Stay positive!
Taurus: Your deepest, darkest secret will be revealed to everyone you know!
Gemini: Your deepest, darkest fear will turn out to be true, as you walk in on your best friend and your mom together..... watching top chef. Never have you felt more disgusted in your life.
Cancer: LOL Have fun at the doctors today!
Leo: Your spouse/girl/boyfriend was lying about his/her sex. Now at least you can talk about something during dinner though!
Virgo: Have fun explaining to your neoconservative parents exactly how gay you really are. Nice cardigan by the way.
Libra: You should get that rash checked out. Seriously.
Scorpio: You will have the best day of your life before being sodomized with a violin bow by a crazy man.
Sagittarius: You will finally snap when you realize you are terrible at the instrument you have been playing your entire life.